May 5th, 2009 | 3 Comments »

Fun Fact Number 1:

Mycurrent vehicle was purchased from an actual old lady and I like to drive it slowly anywhere I need to go. (I also will make 3 right turns to avoid turning left on a busy road or intersection, a point on which I was busted on just this very weekend by my man. He was very amused.)

Fun Fact Number 2:

THIS is one of my best friends:

Fun Fact Number 3:

I have cats. Errr, several, in fact.

Fun Fact Number 4:

I like to knit. If I were not employed, everything in the house would be donning some sort of ‘cozy’.

Fun Fact Number 5:

I listen to Neil Diamond (and I know all the words.) I sing Neil’s songs with wild abandon and without a care in the world nor any notice of the fact that I lack any discernible musical skill. (Love you, Neil.)

neil

Fun Fact Number 6:

I have a leopard print trench coat.

And I wear it.

Fun Fact Number 7:

I scare/surprise ridiculously easily. (Not sure that I should have shared that one.) I also side-seat drive like A LOT and make various noises of displeasure when Jeff makes vehicular maneuvers that aren’t the least bit old-ladyish.

Fun Fact Number 8:

I like to cook/bake and entertain with the primary purpose of feeding crowds of people, and when they are finished, I thrust more food upon them when they are already full. (Kind of exactly like this lady.)

Fun Fact Number 9:

I have *sob* gray hairs.

Fun Fact Number 10:

I like this song (and the new commercial that goes with it) quite a bit:

When I grow up, I want to be an Old Woman

In honor of Mother’s Day Week, go call or squeeze an old woman today. If you don’t have one, let me know, you can borrow one of mine- but I want her back in just as good or better condition I lent her.

UPDATE: I forgot my most interesting embarrassing LOL (little ol’ lady) factoid! I love infomercials and often buy things ‘as seen on tv.’ (Usually after a sleepless drunken night.) I’d love to have a Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator. I do so adore my Magic Bullet blender/drink maker. Admit it, you’d love to own a Sham Wow. You know you would. I’m pretty much Billy May’s bitch or, at least, I’d like to be.

My most recent items to come into my possession include: Not one but TWO Topsy Turvy Tomato Trees (Jeff got them for me for Easter. The plants are positively THRIVING, so more on the Topsy phenomenon to follow this summer!) A set of hair Bumpits (also working, so far, today) and the Smooth Away hair removal system -which Jeff says is just sandpaper that I could buy at Home Depot for a quarter and that I’m essentially sanding my arm hair and a layer of skin off in the delicate ‘removal’ process and that is why there is some slight “stinging” and mild skin irritation. I told him the infomercial says that it is ‘exfoliating’ for a nice smooth, hair free surface. The jury is still out.

February 12th, 2009 | 1 Comment »

I went out with this lady again last week.

To Chilis of course, we should buy stock.

Lord have mercy. My Mamama is a pistol. She begins the night with telling me of her attempt to play Scrabble. Now, she has run through two crossword puzzle dictionaries in the past three years due to her affinity for words.  But she didn’t like Scrabble.

?

I know! It would seem she didn’t realize that the words could be joined. She said she didn’t think she would go play again. I reiterated that now that she knows the rules and she is such a word smith  she could CLEAN UP and kick some serious old lady booty at the next Scrabble competition. MMM responded with, “Well… there was this woman…”

Aw Crap. I take a sip of my wine and say, yeah, well, there always is.

“And she said she had something she wanted to tell us.” (Here I can just see these old biddies leaning in, craning their necks, turning up their hearing aids to not miss a single juicy morsel of what was about to come.)

-the woman confessed, “I think my mother was illigetimate.”

Silence.

MMM says, “I don’t know what that makes her, a bastard twice removed?” (Ba-dum-bum- CHING!)

Oh, and the stories, they got even better! Do you remember a few weeks ago and it got, like, totally COLD? I mean, for Georgia, really, really cold, you can wear all your hand knit stuff at the same time and the wind still cuts through you ? Well, that was the day that MMM had her lunch date with the Red Hat Ladies. (She didn’t wear a read hat because she has a history of being a social deviant. Remind me to tell you about the time she was in high school and she and a bunch of other girls wore jeans to school and got sent home. Scandalous I tell you. You’d never guess who the instigator of THAT was.)

I digress. Well, she was waiting in line to get on the bus with all the hat women and the handicapped were getting on first, not to mention it was COLD and WINDY. (Can you see where this is going?)  One woman just had surgery, she gets on, the other had a sore toe, allowed to board, and then my Nana here says “I had my tonsils out.” And gets her clearance for early passage to the confines of an idling, toasty bus.

I look at her. I tilt my head. She laughs… “Well, they didn’t ask me when.”

(Tonsils, removed, like try 1937.)

Devilish I tell you.
Posted in My Grandmother
January 9th, 2009 | 7 Comments »

My Hispanic grandmother (not this one but the other one) buys me things from infomercials. I don’t know what it has to do with her being Hispanic, but I think it does somehow. Let me ‘splain.  She also decorates in leopard ALL OVER HER HOUSE. And I think that THAT is genetic, seeing how I have a deep and lasting love for leopard print too. This is the same woman that used to record the shopping channel when we left the house in order to make sure she didn’t miss anything good. In a word, she is nuts.

But in a good way that is fun at parties and to drink and cook and gamble with. And I love her more than words mostly because her lack of mastery of the English language (even though she has spoken it for most of her life) leads to lots of laughing and me somehow serving as translator to the rest of the family. I know what “thing” she is constantly referring to (even when she doesn’t.)

Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes, the infomercial shopping habits she has acquired over her years of “americanization” have once again led to a gifted triumph! I received this in in the mail on Wednesday:

That would be the EZ Combs you see on tv that have countless applications! Ponytails, french twists, NEVER have another bad hair day again!!! And it actually works pretty well, I have to admit it. The funny part is that as I opened the package, not one but NINE sets of these combs spilled out. I have one in red, bronze, silver, black, black and white, aubergine, you name it. Yes I have one to go with each and every outfit in my closet, if I were to choose to do so. But I don’t want to become that girl with that weird hair thing, not to mention that I don’t think one woman should hoarde all these treasures to herself, so I will be giving away a few of these gems to some fortunate friends.

WAIT just a minute! I have an even better idea! Since I’m often flummoxed and taken aback when I find out that people (other than my *mothers) actually read this blog- I think I have here the makings of my very first giveaway! I tell you what, the first two people to comment with “YES! I want me some of those EZ Combs! Right on!” will get a selection of a pair in the color of their choice (from whatever is left over) and shipped right to their very doorstep courtesy of Le Spazz.

Oh, and because I just can’t get enough of Mima today, she asked me at the last visit if I could believe that they were selling this at a second hand shop in Florida for only $3? I know I certainly can’t.

“Schlitz, es el gusto!” That is a well spent $3 if you ask me. I would have made that thrift store take at least six!

(Note* When I said I had “moms” that read my blog, I do have more than one maternal figure and no, I’m not the only child of couple of lesbians-not that there’s anything wrong with that- but I have a mom, a former almost mom, a stepmom and some additional mother figures that are moms themselves or dear friends of my moms or the moms of some lifelong friends. Needless to say, I’ve got lots of ladies in my corner.)

Have a fantastic weekend.

November 18th, 2008 | 3 Comments »

I wish it weren’t so washed out but I captured this moment at our tea party and Mamama was in mid-laugh. She had just said something slightly evil. The stole she is wearing belonged to my great grandmother, (the mother of my grandfather.) The same woman that didn’t particularly like boys (except for me, tee hee) and that always referred to my Mamama as “That woman Jim married.”

I had just asked her if that stole was a gift, she said, “Yes! She Died!”

Glad I was johnny on the spot with my camera here, this was a moment to remember!

Posted in My Grandmother
March 21st, 2008 | 2 Comments »

Happy Good Friday! Apparently, us heathens get to benefit from someone’s goodness somewhere, because my boss (who is taking the day off today) realized as she went to the store that everyone and their brother, mother and uncle’s ex-boyfriend is off of work today, which is why, I, one happy Spazz, is off of work today at 2:30 in the afternoon!

I decided the only beverage that could do the occasion justice was this one:

Aaaaaaaaah. Bloody Mary. I am partaking whilst I am supposed to be toiling. Nectar of the Gods. You should’ve had a V-8 because I sure did. Yay Good Friday!

I did manage to do something rather productive also, I took some progress photos on the silk/mohair “Florence” I’m currently knitting, and I likes it mucho so far. It will be a long and satisfying knit and I sure hope it looks good on me. That is the one problem with knitting garments, you hope, you pray, but you never really “know”until you are finished.

Here is the progress thus far:

… and now for the money shot:

Can you appreciate the softness of this yarn? Note the fluffiness, see the sheen that is only found when working with silk, I am truly blessed and privileged and fortunate today to be working with yarn of this caliber (ahem, thank you Margaret  and John Olin). It totally rocks. Hopefully the outcome will to.

Ok, to sum up, be good, and have a marvelous weekend! I will be collecting my Little Ol’ Lady on Sunday and taking her to Easter festivities at Jeff’s aunt’s home. I have a new dress and it is very pretty. More photos to be posted later.

July 18th, 2007 | 1 Comment »

I has a tomato. But just the one. It is the same tomato as before, but it is red today. Small, hard and red. It got no bigger, but it finally got red…ish. It sounds very yummy doesn’t it?

Before:

After:

My Grandmother, MMM (Mamama), has a TOMATO TREE growing on her porch.


My mother planted it for her and all MMM has done is watered it and watched it and apparently cast some mystical southern-little-old-lady spell on it or dipped her index finger in the soil or something and will probably be enjoying mountains of tomatoes soon.

I give up.

Here is my MMM -my favorite “LOL” (Little Old Lady.) She taught me how to knit when I was seven years old and walked me through my very first afghan, dishcloth and set of baby booties. I love her much. (She also makes me crazy- because she can- and I’m very grateful for every bit of it.)

Quote of the day:

“Mothers know exactly which buttons to push, they installed them after all.” (I’m thinking of cross stitching this one on a pillow, what do you think?)

Posted in Gardening, Personal