Spazzmanda

Fun Fact Number 1:

Mycurrent vehicle was purchased from an actual old lady and I like to drive it slowly anywhere I need to go. (I also will make 3 right turns to avoid turning left on a busy road or intersection, a point on which I was busted on just this very weekend by my man. He was very amused.)

Fun Fact Number 2:

THIS is one of my best friends:

Fun Fact Number 3:

I have cats. Errr, several, in fact.

Fun Fact Number 4:

I like to knit. If I were not employed, everything in the house would be donning some sort of ‘cozy’.

Fun Fact Number 5:

I listen to Neil Diamond (and I know all the words.) I sing Neil’s songs with wild abandon and without a care in the world nor any notice of the fact that I lack any discernible musical skill. (Love you, Neil.)

Fun Fact Number 6:

I have a leopard print trench coat.

And I wear it.

Fun Fact Number 7:

I scare/surprise ridiculously easily. (Not sure that I should have shared that one.) I also side-seat drive like A LOT and make various noises of displeasure when Jeff makes vehicular maneuvers that aren’t the least bit old-ladyish.

Fun Fact Number 8:

I like to cook/bake and entertain with the primary purpose of feeding crowds of people, and when they are finished, I thrust more food upon them when they are already full. (Kind of exactly like this lady.)

Fun Fact Number 9:

I have *sob* gray hairs.

Fun Fact Number 10:

I like this song (and the new commercial that goes with it) quite a bit:

When I grow up, I want to be an Old Woman

In honor of Mother’s Day Week, go call or squeeze an old woman today. If you don’t have one, let me know, you can borrow one of mine- but I want her back in just as good or better condition I lent her.

UPDATE: I forgot my most interesting embarrassing LOL (little ol’ lady) factoid! I love infomercials and often buy things ‘as seen on tv.’ (Usually after a sleepless drunken night.) I’d love to have a Ronco Electric Food Dehydrator. I do so adore my Magic Bullet blender/drink maker. Admit it, you’d love to own a Sham Wow. You know you would. I’m pretty much Billy May’s bitch or, at least, I’d like to be.

My most recent items to come into my possession include: Not one but TWO Topsy Turvy Tomato Trees (Jeff got them for me for Easter. The plants are positively THRIVING, so more on the Topsy phenomenon to follow this summer!) A set of hair Bumpits (also working, so far, today) and the Smooth Away hair removal system -which Jeff says is just sandpaper that I could buy at Home Depot for a quarter and that I’m essentially sanding my arm hair and a layer of skin off in the delicate ‘removal’ process and that is why there is some slight “stinging” and mild skin irritation. I told him the infomercial says that it is ‘exfoliating’ for a nice smooth, hair free surface. The jury is still out.

I went out with this lady again last week.

To Chilis of course, we should buy stock.

Lord have mercy. My Mamama is a pistol. She begins the night with telling me of her attempt to play Scrabble. Now, she has run through two crossword puzzle dictionaries in the past three years due to her affinity for words.  But she didn’t like Scrabble.

?

I know! It would seem she didn’t realize that the words could be joined. She said she didn’t think she would go play again. I reiterated that now that she knows the rules and she is such a word smith  she could CLEAN UP and kick some serious old lady booty at the next Scrabble competition. MMM responded with, “Well… there was this woman…”

Aw Crap. I take a sip of my wine and say, yeah, well, there always is.

“And she said she had something she wanted to tell us.” (Here I can just see these old biddies leaning in, craning their necks, turning up their hearing aids to not miss a single juicy morsel of what was about to come.)

-the woman confessed, “I think my mother was illigetimate.”

Silence.

MMM says, “I don’t know what that makes her, a bastard twice removed?” (Ba-dum-bum- CHING!)

Oh, and the stories, they got even better! Do you remember a few weeks ago and it got, like, totally COLD? I mean, for Georgia, really, really cold, you can wear all your hand knit stuff at the same time and the wind still cuts through you ? Well, that was the day that MMM had her lunch date with the Red Hat Ladies. (She didn’t wear a read hat because she has a history of being a social deviant. Remind me to tell you about the time she was in high school and she and a bunch of other girls wore jeans to school and got sent home. Scandalous I tell you. You’d never guess who the instigator of THAT was.)

I digress. Well, she was waiting in line to get on the bus with all the hat women and the handicapped were getting on first, not to mention it was COLD and WINDY. (Can you see where this is going?)  One woman just had surgery, she gets on, the other had a sore toe, allowed to board, and then my Nana here says “I had my tonsils out.” And gets her clearance for early passage to the confines of an idling, toasty bus.

I look at her. I tilt my head. She laughs… “Well, they didn’t ask me when.”

(Tonsils, removed, like try 1937.)