June 28th, 2010 | 2 Comments »

… Our house it has a crowd, There’s always something happening and it’s usually quite loud. Our mum she’s so house-proud, Nothing ever slows her down and a mess is not allowed.

Our house, in the middle of our street- Our House, in the middle of our…

Currently we’re painting, shifting around sister’s things (oh joy) and waiting for the permits to start the renovation maybe this week???

More to follow.

Posted in Personal
June 1st, 2010 | 5 Comments »

Greetings humans! I am alive, busy, but alive.  Life is good. Planning a wedding, buying (and renovating) a house, a stressful (but rewarding) job… all my balls are in the air right now.

Which brings me to blog fodder. You’d think I’d have it in abundance. But, unlike other “brides”, I’m uninterested in discussing the details of the big day, the house is still pending so I don’t want to jinx anything. Knitting…. feh.

So I’m going to talk about food. Food is good. This right here is my favorite sammich (currently) inspired by a creation at Einstein Brothers.

Cast of characters: Cream Cheese, Capers (the bigger the better), Smoked Salmon (not pictured: Bagel of preference, a fresh tomato and a red onion- both thinly sliced)

Can I just say, the first person to open a decent bagel shop in Gainesvegas is going to make a killing? Go ahead and toast your favorite bagel. I prefer a whole wheat bagel, the more “authentic” the better, bagels should be chewy and delightful, but crusty. First, slather with regular cream cheese and then here is the genius part, put your capers in the cream cheese  so they don’t roll off.

Brilliant. Wish I came up with it. What is a caper anyways? Is it a vegetable? I don’t really know, or care, I just know I love me some capers.

 Now, top with a few slivers of raw red onion.

 HEAR ME OUT. I’m not really an “onion person” much less any kind of onion being served RAW. But this just adds something unspeakably divine to the amalgum of flavor sensations in the finished product.

Top with fresh tomato.

If it has been grown in your garden and has been freshly picked then bring it on.

Now crack open your smoked salmon. But beware, sometimes when you open a package of smoked salmon this happens:

Shall we go in for a closer look?

Moo-nanners is watching my every move. I’m suddenly very self conscious.

The finished product, all for me. (insert devious laugh here.)

Make for yourself, or someone you love, but mostly for yourself- be sure to put it on a pretty plate- and enjoy.

Posted in Cooking
April 28th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

It had to be done.

Kitty003

I’m sooooo sorry Moo-nanners.

April 16th, 2010 | 3 Comments »

Hello, my name is Olaf Gradin and I’m a close, personal friend of one Spazzmanda. I’ve been invited to come out of the woodwork and fill in some details around the choice to name me officiant in the up-and-coming wedding. It’s an honor I do not take lightly, though a little levity never hurt anyone! To start things out, let’s take a look back at 2007 when the dice roll produced an opportunity…

Early in 2007, I read of an amazing new twist on the conservative world of religious process – online ordination! Who would have thought that the time-honored traditions of our nations churches were finally rewritten as handy web forms. There are two sides to this humorous anecdote. On one side, I found the idea of ordination being reduced to a demeaning level of shallow formality ridiculous. The notion simply sealed the coffin in my perception of the establishment of modern religious practices. I’ve had an interest in theology for many years, and philosophic wisdom has given me providence from early on. However, the rich tapestries woven through history’s memory of these things is not the stuff of our modern world. On the other hand, there is a certain respect given to clergy for their services to humanity; spiritual guidance and philosophical wisdom. I want to serve society; I want to earn this respect. It’s something I’m willing to work for to do my part in leaving this world a better place than I entered. So there’s one part cynicism, one part honesty; and in the end, an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.

So there I was, seeking out an online ordination site to see what this was all about, and whether or not there was any truth to it. Enter Universal Life Church of Modesto, California. It was a quick search to turn them up as the predominate source of the online ordination ring, though today there’s a much larger spread of churches offering the service – many at a fee. The church is certainly the most non-offensive religious group I know of. Here’s a statement right out of their charter:

The Universal Life Church has no traditional doctrine. We as an organization believe in that which is right. Each individual has the privilege and responsibility to determine what is right for themselves, as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others. We do not stand between you and your God. We are active advocates of the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America.

And with that, I gave them my information (in a simple online form) to grant me ordination rights as a minister and representative of the Universal Life Church. Just a few short days later, it was confirmed via email. Simple and modern!

So even though I found it funny and a little ironic that I was then an ordained minister, there was a nagging thought in the back of my head that acknowledged that I just might one day find real use in this. Perhaps I may one day be called upon to marry somebody.

Three years later, this whole process is no longer in the forefront of my thoughts. I never forgot that I was ordained, but I didn’t really imagine it ever getting used at this point.

Despite this, I am asked to perform Jeff and Amanda’s wedding in the coming Fall. I’m floored and even a little skeptical that this is real. Ultimately, I accept graciously and begin my research into my ordination and legal requirements for marriage ceremonies in the state of Georgia. It turns out, there aren’t really any hard requirements to fill. The ceremony should take place by someone named a minister by a church…any church.

Officiant: Any minister who is authorized by his or her church may perform marriages. Ministers must complete a certificate of marriage and return it to the ordinary within 30 days after the marriage.

The one thing I wanted to be sure of at this time is that my ordination is really valid. I couldn’t find my original verification, so I contacted every ULC office I could find. I ultimately got in touch with the Modesto church and spoke with the president, Andre Hensley, who was able to confirm the date of my ordination, as well as other detailed information on my request form. I have my proof, should I need to demonstrate this to the county clerk’s office for the location in which Jeff and Amanda will be married.

So here I am, planning for this really big event in two people’s lives, in which I play an integral part to their future as a married couple. No pressure, it’s all going to be good!

Having been faced with this task, I’ve returned to my thoughts of ordination with a more serious tone to be able to answer the questions or condescending remarks that inevitably lie on the horizon of any conversation on this matter. I include here a message of my thanks to Amanda for her inclusion of me in this momentous event in her life:

…while I had originally gone for ordination as a mockery to the “system,” I see it as something of honor and value in the present context. I am truly touched that you and Jeff would ask me to marry you – it’s a sign of trust, love, and respect that I have never received from friends before. I enter into the assignment with the utmost reverence to the position; regardless of the petty details of how it came to be. It could be said, and I would be one to say it, that ordination rights are not bestowed upon an individual by an institution, but rather by the request of the betrothed.

In conclusion, I’m looking forward to the not-so-distant Fall in which I will be performing this ceremony for two of my best friends on Earth. There’s precious little time to finalize my plans for the 3-hour ceremony I have planned (everyone will remain standing), but I’ve nearly completed the 3rd volume of wedding union allegories that I plan to interweave into my message of subservience and property allocations for the newly weds. But seriously, many of you may wonder just what kind of ceremony I do have planned. It won’t be a traditional reading, as you may have guessed, but rather something from the heart; something that I feel really stages the story of what will be in their new lives together!

Posted in Blogroll
April 12th, 2010 | 2 Comments »

I just realized something creepy.  Today for lunch, I brought butternut squash soup (orange), carrot sticks (orange) an orange and if I wanted it later, peach yogurt.

Then I noticed my dress was a print, orange on white.

Something is weird today.

Bet on “orange” today if you can.  I wonder if there is some cosmic number for lottery using the numbers that make up the word “orange”. Hmmm. I’ve got two sets of numbers I’m playing today (up to $110 million folks!)

orange

March 26th, 2010 | No Comments »

I think that the depth of the human soul and one’s capacity for both love and hate can be well defined by a simple story I have to share this lovely spring day.  On Wednesday, Jeff and I were out house hunting. Which is less fun than it sounds, why are real estate agents liars? The first place we stopped had a bonus chicken coup that was mentioned nowhere in the description. I digress, that is a story for another day.

We stopped at this one house that looked to be vacant. I hated the driveway enough to veto on site but Jeff wanted a closer look. He said he was going to knock on the door and see if anyone was home. Which is weird to do, but he is a strange fella so I just stayed behind, applied some chapstick and called my mother, who had just locked her keys in the car and had some time to kill.  A few minutes later, he comes tearing around the house like he is being chased by a rottweiler or someone with a shotgun.

I totally. freaked. out.  I screamed in my mother’s ear and dropped the phone. I don’t know what I was looking for (a weapon?) All I have in the car is an emery board. (Note to self: get a gun.)

I look at his face as he reaches the door and he switches from terror to unabashed amusement. (F&%*ing theater major.) He points at me and laughs as I pick up the phone with my mother on the end hollering “What’s wrong???!!!”

He thought this was terribly entertaining. Two for the price of one.

This would be the third time he’s done something to scare me while I’ve been on the phone with my mother.

Normally, his modus operandi is to simply hide behind something, lie in wait for me to happen by and pop out. Sometimes he is more creative and uses props to frighten me (another story for another day.) Sometimes he scares me without actually meaning to.

Jeff says I scare better than anyone he knows. I make fun noises. But the problem is that now  I’m getting a complex. I’m constantly waiting for him to scare me and I think it is going to make my hair fall out. And there’s nothing worse than a bald bride.

He’s freaking me out.

It’s pissing me off.

Yes, it is kind of funny, but don’t tell anyone I’ve said so.

So, I was mad. Really mad. Really, really mad about the incident. And when we got home, there was this:

and these

Even though we’re going to be moving (hopefully) very soon, he planted my herbs and flowers  because he knows I’d like to sit on the porch and enjoy them.

I’m loving him again. Until the next time he decides to play an evil prank.

Then the gloves are off.

Posted in Personal
March 10th, 2010 | 5 Comments »

So, I was having a chat today with my friend Jerry. Not to drop names or anything, but I mean THE Jerry Garcia of Grateful Dead fame.

Well, anyways, I said to Jerry, “Jerry, you seem a bit down. Is there something bothering you?”

Jerry says, “You know, all this rain is just getting to me. Chilling me to the very center of my being.” (Jerry is very, very deep.)

I say, “I  know, the rain really sucks and I really wish it would stop. I saw these earthworms flailing on the pavement today and it realy grossed me out and made me feel so sorry for them.” (I tend to babble when I’m around Jerry or anyone else for that matter.) “I hate to see you so depressed, is there anything I can do?”

Jerry says, “Well, I would like to see the world!”

I got excited because, I, happened to be able to oblige immediately.

“Seeeeee my world, Jerry? Get it, it’s a globe and it lights up and I showed it to you.” Tee hee.

He gave me a look. I knew he was in no mood for my corny sense of humor. He hadn’t had his cocktail yet apparently and didn’t see how dang funny I was being. You see, Jerry can be pretty humerous at times, there was this one time we had a bottle of Jagermeister and a chicken that had fallen off the chicken truck. You see the chicken wasn’t hurt or anything, but then Jerry poured him some of the Jagermeister… needless to say I never drank Jager again after that night. But I guess you had to be there.

Anyways, right now, he was calling me out on my stupid little joke.

Jerry said “I was thinking a change of scenery, like somewhere more warm and near the ocean. Like somewhere in California…”

I then sighed and poured a glass of wine. I knew this day would come. Jerry, you see, wasn’t meant to stay with me forever.

He took a little sip of my wine. (He’s a terrible flirt, but I don’t mind.) I gave his foot an affectionate squeeze.

I say to Jerry, “How does San Francisco sound to you?”

He smiles and squints his eyes, “Groovy.”

I’ll take him to the bus stop this weekend.

For those of you that want to know, pattern: Stitch and Bitch Nation -Henry Rollins torso, Joey Ramone head arms and legs and about 8 hours with some fun fur (don’t  ask.) yarn: total stash bust, but washable so YAY. Going to the arms of a sweet baby girl- the daughter of an old, dear, friend (a hippie who will appreciate the humor of this creation) and his lovely wife whom I have not yet been fortunate enough to meet!

March 9th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

Warning, crude language and misuse of quality curses:

This morning I started the complaint process with a vendor that misrepresented a download of a probably pirated textbook. I’m cheap, and trying to go green and it is an accounting book for a class I’m merely auditing, I thought a digital copy would be, I don’t know, convenient?

Me:

I thought that this was going to be the textbook, (Textbook Title Here.)

Instead, this was the powerpoint presentation for the chapters, which is not entirely useful to me.

I would like a refund please.

Sincerely,

Moi

Them:

hi,you bought the files is not powerpoint presentation for the chapters,it is solution manual or test bank for textbook.

Me:

I understand that now, but it was presented as the textbook.

Am I going to get a refund or am I going to have to take it up with Pay Pal?

Them:

This files is consistent with the description, the product description said it is solution manual or test bank, not textbook,you should see the description before buying, so you agree the describe before you purchase, my file is correct and complete. What you are saying is just an excuse.

Me:

Ok, so insulting your customers is the way you do business and customer satisfaction is not important to you at all.

I will take it up with paypal or my credit card company if necessary (you see, I’ve been a good customer to both organizations and they DO care about how merchants treat me.)

Thank you for being absolutely NO help at all, and have a lovely day.

(Opens PayPal dispute)

Them:

i know you are liar,you steal my files.fuck your mother,watever asshole.

and:

i know you are liar,you steal my files.fuck your mother,watever asshole. i will win,I strongly do not refund, you are an idiot.go away,fuck.

Me:

I didn’t steal your files, they are readily available online.

Also, sir, you may want to be aware that the publisher of this book has no idea you are selling these files.

You should watch yourself. This is no way to do business.

And if you have to resort to cursing and name calling, I’ve already won.

Have a lovely day.

Them:

You are an idiot, the world is on you this idiot, you are a bastard, well, I will give you a refund within 24 hours, you are an idiot. I am a smart person.

I’m comforted that I’m dealing with a smart person here. This would have been a real nightmare otherwise.

Turns out that PayPal does not protect buyers of “Virtual Goods” so I’m most likely out the money  anyways unless CitiCards saves the day or by some miracle the choad actually refunds my money.

Lesson learned.

March 8th, 2010 | No Comments »

nds

Posted in Personal, Tirade
March 1st, 2010 | 2 Comments »

This just in from Fox, a photo she snapped back in October, we were cleaning up after an event so it was really a bad hair day for the both of us, but somehow, she manages to make us look pretty stinkin’ cute.  If you have not befriended a professional photographer, I highly recommend you do so immediately.

2441s

Posted in Personal