I had them made into our guestbook. It is bitchin’.

I think I’m coming down with something icky in my throat.   Feh.

Why not.

There is never a shortage of cats, apparently.

This is a rescue kitty that went to live with my mother earlier this year. Someone just threw her out at the Walgreen’s in town. (Sometimes I really don’t understand human behavior.) Her name is Miss Emma Jean, and she apparently rules the house.

I love it, she’s all “What’s up? Yeah, that’s right, I’m on the table. You gonna do something about it? Give it your best shot”

That’s okay, I think she approves.

Oh, in other news… I found my knitting bag. Behind the dollhouse under the mountain of unopened boxes.

I miss my toaster.  I want waffles.

Okay. So because that is all I have to say about that, I will continue broadcasting with some very interesting information that you may not have known about my cat.

This is Daisy Fuentes.

She is our cat and she only speaks Spanish, which can be difficult sometimes when things get lost in translation. Like “Daisy, per favor, please don’t sleep on the counter.”  She misunderstands.  She was a barn kitty. Jeff found her- she had to be fed with a little eyedropper and she used to look like this:

Let me be clear, we were NOT SUPPOSED TO KEEP HER. But somewhere along the way, I lost control of the situation- as I am sometimes prone to do- and she stayed. Now she is sorta funny lookin’ now so we have to keep her. Good thing we have a bigger house.  She also likes to do stuff like this:

Weird cat. She doesn’t like to be held or for you to pet her. She pets herself. Simply leave your hand or foot still and she does things the way she likes to when it is totally her idea, she doesn’t like to be told what to do.  Sound familiar? I don’t know anyone like that at all.

So that is the story of Daisy Fuentes. How she came into our lives, stuck around, caused some trouble and inspired us to brush up on our espanol.

… Our house it has a crowd, There’s always something happening and it’s usually quite loud. Our mum she’s so house-proud, Nothing ever slows her down and a mess is not allowed.

Our house, in the middle of our street- Our House, in the middle of our…

Currently we’re painting, shifting around sister’s things (oh joy) and waiting for the permits to start the renovation maybe this week???

More to follow.

Which brings me to blog fodder. You’d think I’d have it in abundance. But, unlike other “brides”, I’m uninterested in discussing the details of the big day, the house is still pending so I don’t want to jinx anything. Knitting…. feh.

So I’m going to talk about food. Food is good. This right here is my favorite sammich (currently) inspired by a creation at Einstein Brothers.

Cast of characters: Cream Cheese, Capers (the bigger the better), Smoked Salmon (not pictured: Bagel of preference, a fresh tomato and a red onion- both thinly sliced)

Can I just say, the first person to open a decent bagel shop in Gainesvegas is going to make a killing? Go ahead and toast your favorite bagel. I prefer a whole wheat bagel, the more “authentic” the better, bagels should be chewy and delightful, but crusty. First, slather with regular cream cheese and then here is the genius part, put your capers in the cream cheese  so they don’t roll off.

Brilliant. Wish I came up with it. What is a caper anyways? Is it a vegetable? I don’t really know, or care, I just know I love me some capers.

 Now, top with a few slivers of raw red onion.

 HEAR ME OUT. I’m not really an “onion person” much less any kind of onion being served RAW. But this just adds something unspeakably divine to the amalgum of flavor sensations in the finished product.

Top with fresh tomato.

If it has been grown in your garden and has been freshly picked then bring it on.

Now crack open your smoked salmon. But beware, sometimes when you open a package of smoked salmon this happens:

Shall we go in for a closer look?

Moo-nanners is watching my every move. I’m suddenly very self conscious.

The finished product, all for me. (insert devious laugh here.)

Make for yourself, or someone you love, but mostly for yourself- be sure to put it on a pretty plate- and enjoy.

I’m sooooo sorry Moo-nanners.

Early in 2007, I read of an amazing new twist on the conservative world of religious process – online ordination! Who would have thought that the time-honored traditions of our nations churches were finally rewritten as handy web forms. There are two sides to this humorous anecdote. On one side, I found the idea of ordination being reduced to a demeaning level of shallow formality ridiculous. The notion simply sealed the coffin in my perception of the establishment of modern religious practices. I’ve had an interest in theology for many years, and philosophic wisdom has given me providence from early on. However, the rich tapestries woven through history’s memory of these things is not the stuff of our modern world. On the other hand, there is a certain respect given to clergy for their services to humanity; spiritual guidance and philosophical wisdom. I want to serve society; I want to earn this respect. It’s something I’m willing to work for to do my part in leaving this world a better place than I entered. So there’s one part cynicism, one part honesty; and in the end, an opportunity I couldn’t pass up.

So there I was, seeking out an online ordination site to see what this was all about, and whether or not there was any truth to it. Enter Universal Life Church of Modesto, California. It was a quick search to turn them up as the predominate source of the online ordination ring, though today there’s a much larger spread of churches offering the service – many at a fee. The church is certainly the most non-offensive religious group I know of. Here’s a statement right out of their charter:

The Universal Life Church has no traditional doctrine. We as an organization believe in that which is right. Each individual has the privilege and responsibility to determine what is right for themselves, as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others. We do not stand between you and your God. We are active advocates of the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America.

And with that, I gave them my information (in a simple online form) to grant me ordination rights as a minister and representative of the Universal Life Church. Just a few short days later, it was confirmed via email. Simple and modern!

So even though I found it funny and a little ironic that I was then an ordained minister, there was a nagging thought in the back of my head that acknowledged that I just might one day find real use in this. Perhaps I may one day be called upon to marry somebody.

Three years later, this whole process is no longer in the forefront of my thoughts. I never forgot that I was ordained, but I didn’t really imagine it ever getting used at this point.

Despite this, I am asked to perform Jeff and Amanda’s wedding in the coming Fall. I’m floored and even a little skeptical that this is real. Ultimately, I accept graciously and begin my research into my ordination and legal requirements for marriage ceremonies in the state of Georgia. It turns out, there aren’t really any hard requirements to fill. The ceremony should take place by someone named a minister by a church…any church.

Officiant: Any minister who is authorized by his or her church may perform marriages. Ministers must complete a certificate of marriage and return it to the ordinary within 30 days after the marriage.

The one thing I wanted to be sure of at this time is that my ordination is really valid. I couldn’t find my original verification, so I contacted every ULC office I could find. I ultimately got in touch with the Modesto church and spoke with the president, Andre Hensley, who was able to confirm the date of my ordination, as well as other detailed information on my request form. I have my proof, should I need to demonstrate this to the county clerk’s office for the location in which Jeff and Amanda will be married.

So here I am, planning for this really big event in two people’s lives, in which I play an integral part to their future as a married couple. No pressure, it’s all going to be good!

Having been faced with this task, I’ve returned to my thoughts of ordination with a more serious tone to be able to answer the questions or condescending remarks that inevitably lie on the horizon of any conversation on this matter. I include here a message of my thanks to Amanda for her inclusion of me in this momentous event in her life:

…while I had originally gone for ordination as a mockery to the “system,” I see it as something of honor and value in the present context. I am truly touched that you and Jeff would ask me to marry you – it’s a sign of trust, love, and respect that I have never received from friends before. I enter into the assignment with the utmost reverence to the position; regardless of the petty details of how it came to be. It could be said, and I would be one to say it, that ordination rights are not bestowed upon an individual by an institution, but rather by the request of the betrothed.

In conclusion, I’m looking forward to the not-so-distant Fall in which I will be performing this ceremony for two of my best friends on Earth. There’s precious little time to finalize my plans for the 3-hour ceremony I have planned (everyone will remain standing), but I’ve nearly completed the 3rd volume of wedding union allegories that I plan to interweave into my message of subservience and property allocations for the newly weds. But seriously, many of you may wonder just what kind of ceremony I do have planned. It won’t be a traditional reading, as you may have guessed, but rather something from the heart; something that I feel really stages the story of what will be in their new lives together!

Then I noticed my dress was a print, orange on white.

Something is weird today.

Bet on “orange” today if you can.  I wonder if there is some cosmic number for lottery using the numbers that make up the word “orange”. Hmmm. I’ve got two sets of numbers I’m playing today (up to $110 million folks!)

We stopped at this one house that looked to be vacant. I hated the driveway enough to veto on site but Jeff wanted a closer look. He said he was going to knock on the door and see if anyone was home. Which is weird to do, but he is a strange fella so I just stayed behind, applied some chapstick and called my mother, who had just locked her keys in the car and had some time to kill.  A few minutes later, he comes tearing around the house like he is being chased by a rottweiler or someone with a shotgun.

I totally. freaked. out.  I screamed in my mother’s ear and dropped the phone. I don’t know what I was looking for (a weapon?) All I have in the car is an emery board. (Note to self: get a gun.)

I look at his face as he reaches the door and he switches from terror to unabashed amusement. (F&%*ing theater major.) He points at me and laughs as I pick up the phone with my mother on the end hollering “What’s wrong???!!!”

He thought this was terribly entertaining. Two for the price of one.

This would be the third time he’s done something to scare me while I’ve been on the phone with my mother.

Normally, his modus operandi is to simply hide behind something, lie in wait for me to happen by and pop out. Sometimes he is more creative and uses props to frighten me (another story for another day.) Sometimes he scares me without actually meaning to.

Jeff says I scare better than anyone he knows. I make fun noises. But the problem is that now  I’m getting a complex. I’m constantly waiting for him to scare me and I think it is going to make my hair fall out. And there’s nothing worse than a bald bride.

He’s freaking me out.

It’s pissing me off.

Yes, it is kind of funny, but don’t tell anyone I’ve said so.

So, I was mad. Really mad. Really, really mad about the incident. And when we got home, there was this:

and these

Even though we’re going to be moving (hopefully) very soon, he planted my herbs and flowers  because he knows I’d like to sit on the porch and enjoy them.

I’m loving him again. Until the next time he decides to play an evil prank.

Then the gloves are off.