Spazzmanda

I’ve had a “sad” day. It happens. It sucks. It sucks donkey balls. The only thing I had to look forward to today was an aerobics class (I know, even I’m embarrassed to admit that one) until I spoke to Jenny and have been recruited to help her with her “Baby Bobbi Bear Butt” at the Starbucks tonight with Arnold (it’s a knitterz thing.) So I have two things to look forward to. It’s just a non stop party for me.

I’ve been moping something fierce today. I want my life back. But there is no “back” so I’m stuck with what is. Quite frankly, what “is” is enough to make me want to slice open my wrists with something dull and rusty. Today anyways. But probably not tomorrow. I think I have a vague inkling what serious depression actually feels like now, no desire to be productive, no desire to move, feeling like a zombie. I’m not at that level, I’m just saying I have the ability to relate to that level of sinking and see why people seek meds. I want meds. Good thing my Doctor can’t give me any, ‘cuz I’d take them by the fistful on days like today.

I didn’t really get to take a full lunch break today due to more work stuff that even if I did talk about it here, I just don’t want to (it goes back to that dull and rusty scenario so let’s not.) I decided to go to the Dollar General (where things generally cost dollars) and stock up on some stuff for the beach, the beach, the beach beckons and is only 9 days away. So I wandered. I bought deodorant in a double pack, some motrin, some benadryl and dove soap. Needed some laundry detergent. Neat. All has a perfume free version. Bought that too. While pondering the purchase of a “Dora the Explorer” kite that looked sort of rinky-dink for the wind gusts in St. George (particularly during hurricane season) and there I saw it. And it stopped me in my tracks.

Yes. That IS Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill.” But it’s special, its acoustic, it was 5 bucks. It whispered to me, buy me. I’ll make you feel better. Everyone can remember the song that was positively an anthem for wronged women everywhere, but this time it is softer with a hint of Indian sitar just for flavor. Could it be that Alanis (and I) have matured somewhat? I remember the original counterpart of this slice of rock n’ roll history the summer before my freshman year. I had just busted my then boyfriend smooching his “room mate” - but honestly, I was probably going to break up with him anyways since he was a. too old for me and 2. I was about to go to COLLEGE and c. who wants a boyfriend at home when they are in COLLEGE when there are man feasts aplenty? - Holy cow. I had totally forgotten about that. See, I have been cheated on before! I remember now. His name was Mike Manly- and no I’m not joking- and her name was Jennifer something or other. She actually wasn’t a skank though, she was pretty nice except for the liplock with my man and all. Weird how music triggers dead and buried memories.

Alanis’ lyrical stylings made my heart sing with “Yeah! Men are all dogs and they do all suck!” Little did I know that six months later I would be wanting to gouge my eardrums out because every.single.girl.in.my.freakin’.dorm played this album on a loop.

The lyrics are still enclosed with the CD. Oh, Alanis, as if we could ever forget.

I still have my concert T-shirt. I know what I’m wearing to bed tonight.

Woah-oh, living on a prayer.  Not a bad song to have stuck in your head at all. Especially because we’ve made some serious strides in finishing up operation apartment do-over.

That is half of a finished apartment. Windows painted, patches where painters tape pulled off the paint fixed, furniture moved back (and vacuumed), new curtains courtesy of Momma (thank you again P.S. and by the way) and art work hung.  We stayed up late. I had a smidge too much wine, but it was all well worth it. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful living room that can actually be lived in. (This might actually get me out of bed.)

Now. As far as the other half of the apartment…. not so much… yet… but there really isn’t very much painting left. I’m feeling pretty good about all of this. We watched “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” last night (yes, again) because musicals and whores, what is better than that? They do look so happy being whores, singing, dancing, hanging out with Dolly Parton. I asked my mother if she actually wanted to ask a local singing, whoring individual who shall remain nameless if she enjoyed her work half as much… I think I might still have her number here somewhere from the last time she called me and got all white trash on my voice mail (I might have touched a nerve with the old blog here…)

Oh, in other news, two of my college roommates delivered baby girls yesterday! Beth had her second- Sara Kate and Nicole had her fourth- Vivian Lauren. Way to go with the birthin’ ladies, the last two weeks have been all about the new humans coming into the world, I couldn’t be happier for all of you guys!

Have a great holiday weekend- I’m retreating to the mountains again, it should be fun… ish. We’ll see.

In the past 24 hours, I’ve learned the following:

1. Don’t buy painters tape at Big Lots, it can peel the drywall off of the walls (and paint too.)

2. Sweating is a good thing.

3. Don’t spray paint your switch plate covers on a teensy square of newspaper, the white over spray WILL get on your black patio table.

4. Gainesville had like a foot of rain in the past few days (and I have the full watering can I left on the patio to prove it.)

5. Cats like yarn… still. Ziplocs are your friend always.

6. NEVER stereotype the “type” of person that knits or crochets as being either elderly or female…

Don’t you love his outfit? That is dedication. That is delightful. That is… a whole lot of yellow. (Disclaimer: This is not my photograph, it was forwarded to me and I’m merely sharing it with the world because, honestly, someone must.)

I love my mother. Having an awesome mom rocks. I had a BIG night at work tonight, a triumph if you will, and my loverly mother also came up to help me…. paint. No, actually, to help me drink. But we looked at the paint in the can and said, yup, that’s a can of paint.

She brought me almonds.

And an article about why almonds are the awesomest food in the world.

(Look at her reading about the health benefits of almonds as she peels some teensy weensy cheese rounds.)

She also brought two bottles of wine, and a verrrrrry nice little sleeping pill -for use in an emergency “pity party” only, and not as a chaser for the wine. The photo is bad and dark but I care not, much like how I will feel when this little miracle of modern chemistry is imbibed.

(See my standard quarter for scale? That’s how I roll.) Along with our meal of teensy cheese, we had almonds. Of course we wouldn’t want to have an unbalanced diet, now would we? As we talked and laughed, we stealthily played one of our all-time favorite games. We sliced the cheese rounds, thinner and thinner. With each slice of the knife, we were taunting one another, daring each other to put it out of its misery. I whisper with my glance “just eat it, you know you want to.” But she who eats the last of the cheese is the loser and neither of us wants that. So we shared the last little bit of the coveted white squooshy cheese (I don’t remember what kind I bought, but it was elaborately packaged and super-fancy).

Don’t her nails look purty? I’d like to have nice nails someday, but I have “little girl hands” and apparently always will-what with all the painting, crafting, needle work and other artistic endeavors, why bother with super sexy nails? but I covet them secretly…

In other news. I’m escaping this weekend on an adventure and I just can’t wait. More to follow. Have a wicked cool weekend!

That was getting tedious, even for me. Because I had a realllllly bad night Wednesday night,I didn’t refuse reinforcement last night. Kate came to spend the night. I got off late from work, went to the gym, came home to my Katie-Pie and she was awesome, listened to me talk for hours, helped me burn Mr. X some CDs, she was very helpful. (I’ve had many “angels” around me lately, it is helping with the lonliness.) No more Mr. X bashing for me folks. It is not helping. Calling into question any of his past just will convince me that I wasted 3 years of my life and I just can’t believe that. You can’t hide that kind of evil if he was deceitful all along, somewhere I would have had to have known. So it is time to lay off. Believe me, he is presently suffering acutely.

So I’ve been trying this “visualization” technique to help with the nighttime pain and mind racing. I am averaging about 4 hours of sleep (this time no pill) and then waking up to the same demons.

Bad memory: I remember him buying her a drink when we and our “friends” went to see her play at a local restaurant. He ordered vodka cranberry- or was it cranberry vodka? Anyways, she got a cosmopolitan. It was the wrong drink.

Did he ever figure out how to properly order her drinks for her?… I’ll bet he did. Was something going on under my nose even at this moment? It would be late in May maybe that we went there… this is the craziniess that is my brain. I think we can agree that although innocent enough, in light of recent epiphanies, this is would be one of those “BAD” memories-like it was foreshadowing what was to come and if I had been paying better attention maybe I could have headed them off right there.

Also, FYI, for those that don’t know-buying a drink for a single lady can be seen as a pass. It is just another example of inappropriate “boundaries” even if one is thinking they are being nice, their girlfriend is sitting right there, I’m just a friendly guy… whatever. I think it is safe to say that it was stuff like this that lead to the WAY “too friendly” relationship in the first place. Just my two cents.

So I visualize the tableau in my head getting smaller, fuzzier, darker. I visualize myself climbing over or on top of it. I bury it.

But I have to counter it with a “Good” memory. And that is a problem. I have no memories that are “good” anymore, none that I can speak of without thinking of him- and when I think of his face all I can see is hers… it is not a good path to follow. It ends usually with the “ugly cry,” and I had company, no getting messy when you have company. Then I suddenly remembered this:

Susan’s donkeys. I think I have my happy image now! So, I imagine the image of the memory getting bigger, brighter, more vivid, and wouldn’t you know it- I managed to sleep another 30 minutes.

It’s a start.

One more before I go, Donkey Schnoz:

Also, I’m on the new “Misery” diet. It hasn’t shown any results yet, go figure. I need to eat something, but nothing appeals. Does anyone have any tips on how to get nutrition without having to force yourself to eat?

Layin’ low this weekend. Did laundry. Mopped. Finished the Hegie- I ended up stuffing him with polyfil and some stones- so he would be heavy. I needle felted his face on yesterday, very easy finishing after he dried.

This is him in the herb garden this morning before the storm rolled in. He will go to live with my mom (surprise mom!) after I get a chance to take him to a meeting to be photographed with the other hedgies.  This was a fun KAL.

Also working on a test knit for Pixie, here is a glimpse of another something cute she has up her sleeve:

That is all for now. Have a marvelous week.

There are some changes going on right now where I work that have me all… conflicted. A sad departure? A new opportunity? On many levels, I’m just so torn, between what there is to be done, the thing that needs to be done, the moral right thing to do and what is currently expected from me– and none of these things, mind you, are ever, ever, ever the SAME thing, the comfortable thing, or even the easy thing. Blah. I can’t even really communicate all that is going on, nor do I really want to… once again… right here… in my safe place.

I shall skip on to the knitting.

Super-secret-finished-object numero uno:

For more details, see Ravelry.

Also, I started this over the weekend:

For our “Hedge” A-long- where many of us are knitting a felted hedgehog at the same time. I made much progress on this little fucker before finishing the blanket o’death (pictured above.) All yarn from said hedgehog is a remnant from my stash (and Shari’s- thanks for the fun fur so I can make him all one color.)
This isn’t the “easiest” pattern to read, you are kind of have to be assumed to have half a brain, I really favor “moron-worded” patterns myself.

Yeah, he will be a cute little door-stopper for my mother once I come up with something heavy to stuff him with. Shari suggested rice, I asked her- “What about bugs?” She mused, but confirmed that rice would probably be better…

Wait for it.

It is funny… Maybe you had to be there.

Me and my knittas went to the Twisted Skeins in Clarkesville this weekend (gosh, I needed that outing. It healed my soul a little that day, thanks in great part to Shari for being… a perfect friend and destination-knitting-companion exactly when and where I needed her. Uncanny.)

In the immortal words of Forrest, Forrest Gump:

“That’s all I have to say about that.”

A thought that comes to my mind almost daily. I don’t know why some greenery enjoys the pleasure of my company while some flora abandons ship almost immediately. I have no green thumb, but I like to grow stuff, when I can. This year Jeff got me a loverly hummingbird bush (amongst other fauna) and I am eternally grateful for the beauty that is our patio right now. Now we have also adopted some plants that were “liberated” from an untimely demise (i.e. the dumpster at Lowe’s by Jeff’s Mom) and we have planted them as well, what the hell.

Now it is getting truly exiting. Brace yourselves, we have a burgeoning head of lettuce (about three bites worth) happily growing alongside some cilantro, which is also flourishing, I’ll have you know.

Now for my personal favorite… drumroll please… our “vegetable.” Somewhere along the way this plant lost its tag, but from the bar code we have deciphered that, at maturity, we will have a crop of “vegetable.”

Good to know. The center green thing that is positively thriving is a lonely refugee patio tomato, of THAT I can be certain (it had a tag.) However, the two spindly things on the outside, well, that can be anyone’s guess, but by the way that they are creeping, I’m going to hypothesize that maybe… possibly… they could be a bean of some sort? An Okra plant? Won’t this be fun? I’ll be sure to take a photographic essay of our journey together –so stay tuned.

Now for your daily dose of eye candy. I merged two birthday gifts today in a most delightfully brilliant way (um thank you, thank you very much). First, some really cute glittery rock star decals with my equally rocking, slicker-than-snot sewing machine- wanna know how I know it is rockin? Take a gander:

What, what?

Now from the side:

Boo-ya! NOW I’m ready to roll!

I love knitting for myself, it feels so decadent right now, my birthdayweek, particularly with the deadline knitting I’ve been doing, like, since November.

Here is the Rosebud Bag before felting (thank you darling Gnarly for being there for an indication of scale.)

And after, sorry no kitty for scale, but it shrunk about 13% or so.

I need to assemble and attach the roses and leaves, then put in the bamboo handles and finish it off with the lining. Here are the handles and lining (this fabric was going to be on the outside chairs until Jeff made me throw them away and get new and better chairs, no matter, it will be a pretty new lining for my new spring summer bag!) Damn it is hot here already. Can you believe it is already in the nineties? Doesn’t that happen in JULY???!!!

I need to make a pocket, any ideas on how to do that?

And here is the long-term project, with the Sea Silk. (mmmmmmmmm, pretty, pretty seasilk.) I was wrong yesterday the colorway is called “Woodlands” and it is subtle purples (more of an aubergine) with mossy greens and dark blues that look so much better in person than in this crappy photograph. The pattern is the Stormwater Shawl and will end up being this pretty, geometric-type lace pattern. I love it, but right now it looks like boiled ass- apparently all lace looks pretty craptastic until it is finished and properly blocked. Nevermind, here is the progress photo:

In the spirit of knitting for me, me, me, me right now because I can and I’m tired of deadline knitting for the moment and because it is my Birthday week- I have brought the Stormwater Shawl out of hibernation. This is the shawl knit with not one but TWO strands of simultaneous sea silk, probably one of the most decadent fibers ever produced. I think my colorway is “Paris” purple, green and blue, I can’t really recall at the moment.

I’m happy, it is a challenging project (a 16 row repeat for EVER) but I like a bit of a challenge and as far as lace goes, I could do worse. I have no photos yet (it isn’t very long yet). Also, in my endeavour to find out how to SSP (slip, slip, purl) I found out that all these years I’ve been doing SSK (slip, slip, knit) incorrectly. Is it worth frogging the first 32 rows of the shawl? Nah, but now I know and knowing is good. If I keep working on it I may actually be able to wear it at the beach! (realistically, the shawl isn’t much for ‘warmth’ rather than it is to be pretty and silky and slippery, I can’t wait for it to be finished!)

I’ve also fixed the handle on my knitted sari silk bag so I like carrying it again AND I made a pretty neato felted tote called Rosebud (you can buy the pattern here) which is drying as we speak so I might have it finished up this week. I can’t decide if I am going to line it or not, I think I have some nice scrap fabric that is all stripey in the same shades of green and pink that might make for a neat lining, so maybe it will be finished by next week. it is a good size and wouldn’t make a bad knitting bag.

Yay for selfish knitting!