Spazzmanda

‘Cuz a baseball has no ears.

Amanda, Please come to knitting Saturday…We will be at the place on THompson Bridge road next to McElveens Pharmacy…Looking forward to seeing you! Susan

To Mom,

Yes, our beach is a place of enlightenment. Before finding St George Island Beach I was a typical boring wage slave. Now, thanks to Margaret and Grasshopper (Spazzmanda), I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and Godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up difficult inclines with unflagging speed and I cook thirty minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in Stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Braves. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and I have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room set. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had sized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only mold and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis…

I read Spazzmanda

Amanda,
You have amazing friends!