I’ve had a “sad” day. It happens. It sucks. It sucks donkey balls. The only thing I had to look forward to today was an aerobics class (I know, even I’m embarrassed to admit that one) until I spoke to Jenny and have been recruited to help her with her “Baby Bobbi Bear Butt” at the Starbucks tonight with Arnold (it’s a knitterz thing.) So I have two things to look forward to. It’s just a non stop party for me.
I’ve been moping something fierce today. I want my life back. But there is no “back” so I’m stuck with what is. Quite frankly, what “is” is enough to make me want to slice open my wrists with something dull and rusty. Today anyways. But probably not tomorrow. I think I have a vague inkling what serious depression actually feels like now, no desire to be productive, no desire to move, feeling like a zombie. I’m not at that level, I’m just saying I have the ability to relate to that level of sinking and see why people seek meds. I want meds. Good thing my Doctor can’t give me any, ‘cuz I’d take them by the fistful on days like today.
I didn’t really get to take a full lunch break today due to more work stuff that even if I did talk about it here, I just don’t want to (it goes back to that dull and rusty scenario so let’s not.) I decided to go to the Dollar General (where things generally cost dollars) and stock up on some stuff for the beach, the beach, the beach beckons and is only 9 days away. So I wandered. I bought deodorant in a double pack, some motrin, some benadryl and dove soap. Needed some laundry detergent. Neat. All has a perfume free version. Bought that too. While pondering the purchase of a “Dora the Explorer” kite that looked sort of rinky-dink for the wind gusts in St. George (particularly during hurricane season) and there I saw it. And it stopped me in my tracks.
Yes. That IS Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill.” But it’s special, its acoustic, it was 5 bucks. It whispered to me, buy me. I’ll make you feel better. Everyone can remember the song that was positively an anthem for wronged women everywhere, but this time it is softer with a hint of Indian sitar just for flavor. Could it be that Alanis (and I) have matured somewhat? I remember the original counterpart of this slice of rock n’ roll history the summer before my freshman year. I had just busted my then boyfriend smooching his “room mate” - but honestly, I was probably going to break up with him anyways since he was a. too old for me and 2. I was about to go to COLLEGE and c. who wants a boyfriend at home when they are in COLLEGE when there are man feasts aplenty? - Holy cow. I had totally forgotten about that. See, I have been cheated on before! I remember now. His name was Mike Manly- and no I’m not joking- and her name was Jennifer something or other. She actually wasn’t a skank though, she was pretty nice except for the liplock with my man and all. Weird how music triggers dead and buried memories.
Alanis’ lyrical stylings made my heart sing with “Yeah! Men are all dogs and they do all suck!” Little did I know that six months later I would be wanting to gouge my eardrums out because every.single.girl.in.my.freakin’.dorm played this album on a loop.
The lyrics are still enclosed with the CD. Oh, Alanis, as if we could ever forget.
I still have my concert T-shirt. I know what I’m wearing to bed tonight.
