Spazzmanda

That was getting tedious, even for me. Because I had a realllllly bad night Wednesday night,I didn’t refuse reinforcement last night. Kate came to spend the night. I got off late from work, went to the gym, came home to my Katie-Pie and she was awesome, listened to me talk for hours, helped me burn Mr. X some CDs, she was very helpful. (I’ve had many “angels” around me lately, it is helping with the lonliness.) No more Mr. X bashing for me folks. It is not helping. Calling into question any of his past just will convince me that I wasted 3 years of my life and I just can’t believe that. You can’t hide that kind of evil if he was deceitful all along, somewhere I would have had to have known. So it is time to lay off. Believe me, he is presently suffering acutely.

So I’ve been trying this “visualization” technique to help with the nighttime pain and mind racing. I am averaging about 4 hours of sleep (this time no pill) and then waking up to the same demons.

Bad memory: I remember him buying her a drink when we and our “friends” went to see her play at a local restaurant. He ordered vodka cranberry- or was it cranberry vodka? Anyways, she got a cosmopolitan. It was the wrong drink.

Did he ever figure out how to properly order her drinks for her?… I’ll bet he did. Was something going on under my nose even at this moment? It would be late in May maybe that we went there… this is the craziniess that is my brain. I think we can agree that although innocent enough, in light of recent epiphanies, this is would be one of those “BAD” memories-like it was foreshadowing what was to come and if I had been paying better attention maybe I could have headed them off right there.

Also, FYI, for those that don’t know-buying a drink for a single lady can be seen as a pass. It is just another example of inappropriate “boundaries” even if one is thinking they are being nice, their girlfriend is sitting right there, I’m just a friendly guy… whatever. I think it is safe to say that it was stuff like this that lead to the WAY “too friendly” relationship in the first place. Just my two cents.

So I visualize the tableau in my head getting smaller, fuzzier, darker. I visualize myself climbing over or on top of it. I bury it.

But I have to counter it with a “Good” memory. And that is a problem. I have no memories that are “good” anymore, none that I can speak of without thinking of him- and when I think of his face all I can see is hers… it is not a good path to follow. It ends usually with the “ugly cry,” and I had company, no getting messy when you have company. Then I suddenly remembered this:

Susan’s donkeys. I think I have my happy image now! So, I imagine the image of the memory getting bigger, brighter, more vivid, and wouldn’t you know it- I managed to sleep another 30 minutes.

It’s a start.

One more before I go, Donkey Schnoz:

Also, I’m on the new “Misery” diet. It hasn’t shown any results yet, go figure. I need to eat something, but nothing appeals. Does anyone have any tips on how to get nutrition without having to force yourself to eat?